Too Deep For Tears
by Unforgettable Green Eyes
Summary: In the deserted ruins of a great city, an old man often goes to visit the site where a church once stood. Is he waiting for something? Or someone?


_**Too Deep For Tears**_

It didn't come all at once.

It came bit by bit, not unlike a seed buried in heavy darkness for days, unfurling slowly at first, to push through a weight that should have crushed it, following its natural inclination to reach toward the surface and the sun, toward warmth and light.

It wasn't that he avoided thinking about it. He just tried not to dwell on it.

At first, he wasn't sure what had happened or that something had even happened. Eventually it dawned on him that as his days on the planet were drawing to a close, a part of his subconscious had been mulling over the events of his past without his being fully aware of it, organizing and compartmentalizing what had always seemed like complete chaos in his head. It occurred to him then that like any book, his life could be broken down into three parts, or in his case, simply three chapters.

The first chapter detailed the life of a nobody, an awkward boy who was shunned by the other children around him. Growing up, he had always been on the outside, looking in. If he was being brutally honest, he'd had no friends. Maybe one or two could be considered friends if he wanted to be kind to himself.

To escape from being relegated to sitting on the sidelines his whole life, he'd left home as a teenager with the intention of making a name for himself, to be someone, and even there he had failed. It had ended with his only family dead and his hometown razed by fire.

The final chapter picked up near the end of his journey with a group of acquaintances to stop a madman hellbent on destroying all life on Gaia. In the wake of the death and destruction brought about by the crash of Meteor with the planet through the man's machinations, the ordinary citizens of Midgar had been left with little choice but to abandon the city and rebuild elsewhere.

There had been plenty of blame to go around. Many people had placed the responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the company that had exploited the spirit energy of the planet and whose experiments had given birth to countless monstrous beings, including the madman himself, while others had pointed their fingers at the terrorist group that had brought the company down. But no one was entirely guilt-free and when it was all said and done, nobody blamed them more than they blamed themselves. The price for saving the planet had been high.

Much like the first chapter, the concluding pages of the third chapter would find him on the fringe of society again, a nondescript old man people passed on the streets, inconsequential, seen and forgotten as soon as he was out of sight. He had friends now, even a family of sorts, but he was still a loner at heart and he preferred watching from the edge of the tight-knit group they had formed during that tumultuous period in their lives. He found he was most at home when he was alone in the ruins of an old church, most of it gone to dust and rubble many years ago while the flowers that had flourished near the dais had overtaken several city blocks and continued to spread outward toward the city limits.

As a young boy, he had often felt like he was screaming on the inside, for someone, anyone, to hear him, to notice him. Long past his prime now, he held a deep appreciation for the invisibility he had once resented. The moments of solitude when the world was calm and at peace brought him a sense of comfort that nothing else could.

It was almost strange how the second chapter took place over the course of just a few weeks, but it was the most eventful and had the greatest impact on not just him but the planet itself. Book-ended by chapters of a mundane, if relatively tranquil existence, it was the middle chapter that had given his life real meaning.

The role he had played in helping to prevent all of humanity from being wiped off the face of Gaia arguably carried the most weight, but it was not the biggest or the defining moment of his life, or even the chapter in question. It was something much more personal.

For him, the single most important factor in his life had been _her._

With her, he had felt things he had never felt before or since. With her, he had discovered what it was to hope and for the first time in his life to look forward to the future. He had truly known what it was to live.

But in the blink of an eye, all of that had changed. She was gone, taking his dreams with her.

It was on those quietest of days as he sat on an ancient pew surrounded by her flowers, when the hum of the Lifestream would become almost indistinguishable from the stillness in the world and the air grew so thick and heavy, it was almost stifling. And from out of nowhere, he would feel a sudden pang in his chest as old memories would crash through his head, accompanied by waves of pain, as fresh as if it had happened just yesterday, threatening to suffocate him and bringing him to his knees.

And as if on cue, it would come, a stirring of the air around him, a feather-light touch on his brow, brushing his forehead, followed by the breath of the wind in his ear. "Don't."

The tightness in his chest would ease at once, replaced by a warmth he would recognize even after he had forgotten his own name.

His eyes were dry. The tears had dried up a long time ago. Some things were so deep, there was no sign of them on the surface.

Strangers on the street who used to recognize him by name or reputation had finally stopped telling him he should move on.

"It wasn't real," they would say. "You hardly knew one another at all."

It didn't matter.

He knew the truth, and so did she.

Friends, family and other loved ones had been lost along the way. Some had lost pieces of themselves. For years, he had secretly held out hope that the piece he had lost would find her way back to him someday.

Regardless, the memories they had made were theirs to keep. Stolen moments, snatched here and there whenever the opportunity arose during their travels. Some good, some bad, but all had been far too brief.

He closed his eyes and he was back there with her again…

_Late afternoon sunlight spilled through the window, bathing them in its gentle glow._

_Burying his face in strands of dark fire and gold, he breathed deeply of the damp skin at the back of her neck and behind her ears as they lay among the rumpled sheets, utterly replete and exhausted. It was almost disconcerting how she seemed to fill all of his senses and surrounded him completely when it was his limbs that were wrapped around her, holding her close._

_"Barbarian." The laughter in her voice tugged a chuckle from him. He'd thought she had drifted off to sleep._

_"Says the one who's the real savage here," he said with a smirk._

_"Ah, so the SOLDIER does have a sense of humor after all." Her delight made him grin. She knew better than anyone that he did, or at least knew that the things that came out of him that made people laugh were occasionally actual attempts to be funny._

_"I wasn't joking."_

_"Hmm." Her fingers glided lazily back and forth over the arms locked securely around her waist and her heartfelt sigh of contentment filled him with quiet joy..._

He didn't need anyone else to tell him what had been real or imagined.

How could he forget what he had always remembered? What he had always known?

More importantly, he knew that he would find her there, waiting as always.

"You've only become more anti-social in your old age." He thought he could hear the smile in her voice.

"If only you were here to help fix my bad habits," he said quietly, trying to quip back in his own way. Around him the bees buzzed, undisturbed in the sweet nectar of the flowers.

Her sigh was so soft, he could be forgiven for thinking it was the wind riffling through his hair.

"It's almost time."

For a split second, there was a flutter in his chest. But just as quickly, it was gone.

He had probably misunderstood.

But he was willing to bet the planet would understand his impatience after all this time.

He let out a deep breath and got up slowly on joints that ached and cracked. She was right. The sun was about to set and the others would be getting worried. He massaged the kinks in his neck and back and ran a hand over eyes that were no longer quite as sharp as they used to be, the Mako running in his veins notwithstanding.

The days were too long and yet, he dreaded the end of each day because it meant they would have to go their separate ways.

He looked to the day when the last chapter in his life could be closed for good and they would no longer have to part, when the waiting would finally be over for the both of them. And the promise made a lifetime ago would be kept at last.

In the meantime, he had the memories.

"Let's go, Cloud."

He had loved. He had lived.

And it had been glorious.

* * *

**Note:** The title is taken from William Wordsworth's poem "Ode: Intimations of Immortality."


End file.
